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Drunk Guy calls a Drug & Alcohol Helpline
Telephone ringing twn

Category

Prank Call

Prank Caller

TheGoldenPhone2

Soundboard(s) used

Drunk Guy, Deputy Martin

Victim(s)

Sgt. Libski

Length

7:52

The Drunk Guy has been drinking too much again and calls a Helpline for assistance. He speaks to a man who impersonates a police officer.

TranscriptEdit

Call #1

Male victim: [Unintelligible] Helpline
Drunk Guy: Hello?
Male victim: Yeah?
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody in command!
Male victim: What do you need?
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody ... civilized.
Male victim: Yes sir. What do you need?
Drunk Guy: My fuckin' daddy was a fuckin' dick and that's why I am the way I am today.
Male victim: Ok...
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Male victim: Do you want some help?
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Male victim: What kind of help you need? What are you, what are you doin'?
Drunk Guy: What do YOU want? (pause) What'd I say?
Male victim: [*hangs up*]

Call #2

[*phone rings*]
Female victim: Drug & Alcohol Helpline. Crystal speaking. How may I help you?
Drunk Guy: Hello?
Female victim: Hello?
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody ... civilized.
Female victim: Ok, well I think I'm civilized. What's .. what's goin' on tonight?
Drunk Guy: My fuckin' daddy was a fuckin' dick and that's why I am the way I am today.
Female victim: Ok. Do you want any help?
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Ok...how much are you drinkin' per night?
Drunk Guy: What'd I say?
Female victim: You're not drinking at all?
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Female victim: Umhmm. How much are you drinking per night?
Drunk Guy: Mooooooohhhhh...oh God. I wanna talk to Alex Spider and I want to talk to Stevenson Dreamland and I wanna talk to, to, to em' all!
Female victim: Ok. If you wanna call us back tomorrow, that's fine.
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Female victim: Ok. Now my next question is do you have any health insurance?
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Ok. Is it though your job or is it through the state?
Drunk Guy: What do YOU want?
Female victim: I wanna know if your health insurance is through your job or through the state.
Drunk Guy: Yeah. Who the fuck are you?
Female victim: I'm trying to help you out. Now look, listen, if you don't want me to help you out we can end this phone call right now.
Drunk Guy: Well how would you get to know me?
Female victim: Because I'm asking you these questions so that I can know how to help you best.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Now like I said either you can stop cursing, and stop being belligerent, or I can hang up this phone. Those are your choices.
Drunk Guy: (long pause) Hello?
Female victim: Now is your, now is your health insurance through your job or through the state?
Drunk Guy: I don't even HAVE a fucking computer!
Female victim: I SAID health insurance.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Sir, uh, are you working? Let's ask that. Are you working?
Drunk Guy: Who are you?
Female victim: I am the person you called for help to stop drinking. Or do you not want to stop drinking? It's up to you.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Choices are re-real simple. If you wanna stop drinking I can help you out. Drunk Guy: Oh goddamn it.
Female victim: If you don't want to stop drinking I don't know what were doing on the phone.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Ok, now-
Drunk Guy: Hello?
Female victim: Now, do you work?
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Ok, you work. So .. do you have health insurance through your job?
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Female victim: Sir, I'm not gonna play this all night long. We're going in circles here. I'm trying to help you out. You're stopping me from helping you out.
Drunk Guy: You son-of-a-bitch!
Female victim: You have to answer my questions.
Drunk Guy: And you can fuckin' bite my fuckin' ass!
Female victim: You know what? One more curse word and I'm hanging up this phone.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Ok?
Drunk Guy: An' have em' play some music. Mum-ma-maybe you'd like to hear...m-maybe you'd like to hear...et cetera et cetera.
Female victim: You know what? You know, yeah, are you goin' through the telephone book and findin' 1-800 numbers 'cause go on to the next number.
Drunk Guy: You son-of-a-bitch!
Female victim: [*hangs up*]


Call #3

[*phone rings*]
Sgt. Libski: Fort Lauderdale Police.
Drunk Guy: Hello?
Sgt. Libski: Yeah, the police department.
Drunk Guy: Now, how in the, how are you gonna get to know me?
Sgt. Libski: Sir is this an emergency?
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Sgt. Libski: We're sending the nearest officers to ya out there right now to your address sir.
Drunk Guy: You son-of-a-bitch!
Sgt. Libski: [*hangs up*]


Call #4

[*phone rings*]
Sgt. Libski: Fort Lauderdale Police.
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody in command!
Sgt. Libski: This is, uh, it's Libski. What's up?
Drunk Guy: Who in the hell am I talkin' to?!
Sgt. Libski: You're talking to Sgt. Lipski.
Drunk Guy: Well fuck you stranger!
Sgt. Libski: Excuse me sir?! Drunk Guy: You're not a fuckin' cop.
Sgt. Libski: Is this an emergency call?
Drunk Guy: You're not a fuckin' cop.
Sgt. Libski: Sir are you making a crank call to the police department?
Drunk Guy: You son-of-a-bitch!
Sgt. Libski: Sir! Alright, gimme...gimme the nearest officers out here. Uh, area code "202".
Drunk Guy: And you can fuckin' bite my fuckin' ass!
Sgt. Libski: (pause) Sir do you need fire, medical ... or police?
Drunk Guy: What'd I say?
Sgt. Libski: You said you need fire, medical, or police sir? This is not a joke. I'm sending officers out to your house right now.
Drunk Guy: You son-of-a-bitch! You don't even know who we are!
Sgt. Libski: Yeah, I've got ya' on GPS right now! You're calling the police department sir! We don't take jokes.
Drunk Guy: Well .. fuck you!
Sgt. Libski: You're in Washing- you're in Washington, D.C. sir.
Drunk Guy: Well fuck you!
Sgt. Libski: [*hangs up*]


Call #5

[*phone rings*]
Sgt. Libski: Washington, D.C. Police.
Drunk Guy: I didn't do anything fuckin' wrong!
Sgt. Libski: Excuse me sir?
Drunk Guy: You're not a fuckin' cop.
Sgt. Libski: Sir!
Drunk Guy: Yeah?
Sgt. Libski: Are you dying?
Drunk Guy: Who are you?
Sgt. Libski: What is your problem sir?
Drunk Guy: Mooooooohhhhh...oh God.
Sgt. Libski: What's your problem?
Drunk Guy: An' have em' play some music. Mum-ma-maybe you'd like to hear...m-maybe you'd like to hear...et cetera et cetera.
Sgt. Libski: Sir...sir!
Drunk Guy: Yeah?
Sgt. Libski: What's your problem?
Drunk Guy: What'd I say?
Sgt. Libski: Do you need fire, medical, or police?
Drunk Guy: You're not a fuckin' cop.
Sgt. Libski: And you're a fucking bastard!
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Sgt. Libski: Sir, please hold.
[*music plays in the background and the call is presumably transferred*]
Male victim: Hello?
Deputy Martin: I'm advising YOU to stop calling.
[*police radio traffic in background*]
Male victim: Hello?
[*police radio traffic in background*]
Deputy Martin: This is the Sheriff's Office. This is Deputy Martin from the Sheriff's Department. You can call the sheriff's office and confirm it. Are you...are you calling here?
Male victim: Hello?
Deputy Martin: Callin' ya and cussin' ya, okay. Why would I call and cuss you when I'm on the sheriff's department? Why would I call somebody...and cuss 'em out?
Male victim: Can you hear me?
Deputy Martin: Oh, I'm fine. This is...Officer Martin from the sheriff's department. How can I help you this evening?
Male victim: Can you hear ME?
Deputy Martin: Who is this?
Male victim: Uh, you just called me.
Deputy Martin: Really? (slight pause) No one's called ya!
Male victim: [*hangs up*]


Call #6

[*phone rings*]
Female victim: Drug & Alcohol Helpline. Crystal speaking. How may I help you?
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody in command!
Female victim: I'm sorry. They've left for the day. How may I help you?
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody ... civilized.
Female victim: Aaannd you've already cursed me out once.
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: So are you gonna' do it again?
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Female victim: [*hangs up*]


Call #7 (final)

[*phone rings*]
Female victim: Drug & Alcohol Helpline. Crystal speaking. How may I-
Drunk Guy: Hello?
Female victim: -help you?
Drunk Guy: I wanna talk to somebody ... civilized.
Female victim: (sighs) Sir, may I help you?
Drunk Guy: Who are you?
Female victim: My name is Crystal and you're dialing a Drug & Alcohol Helpline. How may I help you?
Drunk Guy: My fuckin' daddy was a fuckin' dick and that's why I am the way I am today.
Female victim: Ok. So would you like to come to treatment?
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Ok. Do you have health insurance?
Drunk Guy: Yeah.
Female victim: Do you have the card on you?
Drunk Guy: Oh no, no, no, no, no!
Female victim: Well I can't help you without the health insurance card.
Drunk Guy: Wha..?! You fucker!
Female victim: [*hangs up*]

[End of call]

ReferencesEdit

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